Hope

I've never been a gardener. No one ever taught me the beauty of gardening. In fact, I am known for killing plants, not growing them. People have given me plants with pained expressions on their faces as if they're sacrificing something to the altar. I just didn't seem to have a green thumb. Since we moved into this house, I made it a point to become a gardener. As a housewarming gift, a friend of mine gave me a gardenia bush. Something I've always wanted but steered clear of. I found a good place for it out back, where it will get the elements it needs. Today I wondered when it would bloom. Just my luck, I thought, to have a gardenia bush and no gardenias. I got my period today and it's particularly painful because I thought THIS time I might actually be pregnant. Oh well. Another one bites the dust. I sat on the couch and felt sorry for myself until I felt the grief rising up. I remembered how exhausting that can be and tried to suppress it. I already had cramps, I didn't need grief too. It came anyway and with it - all the thoughts and fears of never having a child. I wondered what to pray. I let my emotions mount and turned toward the window, crying. In that very instant as I looked out, there on my gardenia bush - was its first white blossom, shining at me. Like hope.

Inventory

I drove through the streets like a crazy person following a car who ran a stop sign. He made a few U turns when he realized I was following him. I wouldn't have gone so far if I hadn't noticed his license plate frame that said "Real Men Love Jesus." He finally relinquished in the parking lot at Trader Joes. I asked him why he ran the stop sign, and he admonished me for risking my life to find out why. We were both calm. No one yelled or cursed. I was just fed up with people doing what they want. Anyway, his foot slid off the brake and he rolled through the sign. I understand. I think I'm ready for a vacation.